October 18, 2009

Dear Diary,

I am about at my wits end with this silly infatuation with Crush. I keep trying to ignore it, trying to let it go, trying to dwell on his faults and blemishes. Unfortunately, when he's almost out of mind, he shows up unexpectedly. Yesterday it was a text message to see if I would be available for lunch to celebrate his cousin's birthday. When I saw his name pop up on my phone, my heart lept about 30 feet into the air. Seriously saw it come out of my chest and up as high as the stairs above me. (No, not seriously, but you get the idea). I knew it was not a personal invitation or meaningful in any way. But my heart didn't recognize that fact right away. My heart was in the clouds. That doesn't happen when I receive word from Radar. Then again, Crush is still a bit unknown to me. Still mysterious. Radar and I know each other quite well.

I waited about an hour to respond to Crush, and by the time he texted a 2nd time, my heart was calm and prepared, I suspect. There was no leaping involved. I, too, calmed down and had forgotten about it. Even throughout most of the service this morning, I had thought very little of him. But we did one of those "huddle up and pray" kind of prayer times this morning and there he was standing next to me. And someone suggested we all hold hands in a circle.

Now, I had begged and pleaded and prayed for this opportunity throughout most of last year. Just to be near him and to hold his hand. Even if it was for something completely unrelated to dating, like prayer. But it has never ever happened when I was next to him. Until today. When I have been trying my hardest to get over this guy. To not let him get to me. To not let him seep into my thoughts. And especially to not have any physical contact with him.

But his hand was strong, and warm, and comforting. And I'm right back to square one. So at lunch, I was determined to sit at the opposite end of the table. And I did. And it helped. But seriously, I still think about him. I'll get back to having him mostly out of my mind, I'm sure. And that happens quicker and quicker each time. But he reenters just as quick when I see him. Not sure how to stop that.

My impulse is to talk to him about it. All of my knowledge of his disinterest is coming second hand. He's never actually told me that, himself. But then, he's never asked me out either. So I'm sure it's very clear. But I always have this urge to make a "last ditch effort," and ask the guy out. But again, it's not my job. Or is it? What's the rule these days? I like him. A lot. But I think I already know the answer.

Perhaps tomorrow he'll be a distant memory again...